Another sign...

This is our front yard windows sill off of the bedroom. It seemed that this bird did not move for  days!

I love getting signs from Oliver. I haven't gotten one in a while but about a month ago, we had all of these birds around our house. In our front window sill right off the bedroom there was a dove nesting. We never actually saw the egg, but as we did research, the baby leaves the nest very soon after it is born with this type of dove. It was sad to see them leave but it was really cool to watch. Another sign of birth was happening in our backyard. The eggs cracked and we have pictures of the babies. The babies hatched when we planted the tree for Oliver's Hope Garden. We got to see them grow for about a week and I spotted when one of them flew out of the nest for the first time! So cool!  We are convinced it was a sign from Oliver letting us know that birth will have a happy ending and will happen for us one day....

This bird was in our backyard tree. You can see the mom feeding the little babies!

Bethenny Frankel: "I'm Ready to Talk About My Miscarriage" Health & Fitness: glamour.com

Bethenny Frankel: "I'm Ready to Talk About My Miscarriage" Health & Fitness: glamour.com

Honoring Oliver

I know we have honored Oliver in many ways. I came up with so many great ideas that I wanted to do them all! Each thing we do usually makes us feel better, so that is what is important. Below is a picture of Oliver's name.  I didn't have anything with his name on it yet, so when I heard about this husband and wife who take pictures on a beach after they lost their baby, I knew I had to get one.

Each sunset is dedicated to a baby in heaven. We love and miss our baby Oliver.

Ups and Downs...

Well I realized that I have not responded in a while. I wasn't sure what to make of this blog and I didn't want it to be this depressing sob story. However, I do realize that I need to continue to write to make myself feel better. I need to be honest. I must keep working at the healing process and sometimes it is so easy to forget the positive thoughts that were taking me through this journey. Just when I think I am doing great and "in the clear" BAM! I am right back at a low.
So for the highs.... I celebrated Jackie's "Big Night Out" which was a huge success! We lived in up in NYC! Such a great city with so much energy--the city that never sleeps, and we did just that--no sleeping! We had a make-up artist do our make-up, party in a swanky hotel on the lower east side, go out to a fabulous restaurants, bars and clubs and just let loose.  I was so happy for her and had a blast with all of her friends.

However, after the high.. comes a low.

I realized that I can be happy, but then I can be sad. It comes on quick and sometimes without warning. It is hard to pinpoint the sadness (Do I miss Oliver? Is it because I have empty arms? Is this hormones?) but I can realize what triggers it. The more I analyze these situations, the more I can protect myself and understand the patterns. Sleeping, having Andy by my side and  relaxing are simple yet very important things that I need to keep me going and staying strong. Family is also very important. I get a lot of strength simply by being around my family. I am able to cry and breakdown and not be judged by my irrational, depressing, sad thoughts.

However, after a low...come a high.

Mother's Day

Well I was dreading this holiday and it came and went. Check out the cool way we decided to honor Oliver on the "Honoring Oliver" page. It was a sad day no doubt and even though I was not crying the entire day, I felt so sad inside. I have never felt sadness like this deep, numbing sadness before and I just feel helpless and stuck. Now when I have down days or down moments (usually at the end of the day) I feel this same helpless feeling. Of course there is no reason to get stuck and feel sorry for myself because I don't have Oliver. All we can do is be hopeful....stay positive and let the light guide us on....

Right after we hung the prayer flag for Oliver, we see a mother with two baby cubs! It was like Oliver was sending us a sign!

Great Quote

Kundalandi is a healing yoga class that I have been attending since everything went down. It is weird and not like any other yoga I have experienced--and I have tried a lot! I totally buy into it and it has helped me so much with the healing process. The specific class I go to also has a Gong Bath at the end. I feel very empowered and centered after I attend this class. We chant this mantra and the end of every class, and I want to share the beautiful, calming words. 

May the long time sun, 

Shine upon you,

All the love surround you,

All the pure light within you,

Guide your way on.

It begins

I am not sure where to start. It has almost been 100 days since Oliver left us. The recent road has been a blurry one. I don't want to relive the grief and pain. I want to be honest and positive and looking into a hopeful future. Not sure what this blog will turn out to be or what I am going to want to write.....I'm just going to take it day by day....